Crossing Yourself
by daiyaonna
Summary: Sequel to Lusting Red. Ran contemplates his relationship with Schuldig and what it's really supposed to mean...if anything. RanxSchuldig


Disclaimer: I do not own. Sorry.

_**Crossing Yourself**_

Once upon a time, I used to be happy. I say this because it's as close the truth I'll allow myself to get. I don't like to remember, and I don't like what I've become since then. No one believes I can smile or am capable of real happiness. I suppose I can't blame them, my friends, my companions in death.

All of us have our secrets.

Ken's best friend betrayed him…

Omi learned to kill because he had nothing else…

Yohji's love was murdered before his eyes…

My family…ripped apart by a nameless evil beats, those I now hunt.

We are Weiß. I am Weiß, and I live a torment no one should ever experience. It's far worse than Ken's deceit or Omi's lost childhood or Yohji's emptiness. Even the face of Takatori Reiji, my family's murderer, cannot compare. Never in my wildest dreams would I have pictured myself in a bed…with the enemy, with…Schwarz.

And, not just any part of Schwarz, either. His hair is as bright as fire, his complexion almost as white as my own pale skin, and…he _can_ smile. His smile is dangerous and beautiful all at once, and I find myself lost when I look at him, when he gazes at me with those innocent, innocent blue eyes.

I hate myself for this because…because I can't say no.

I hate myself for this because no one else knows.

It's a dark, dirty secret I keep to myself, buried in a pool of even darker, dirtier things, and it holds me captive, so tight I almost can't breathe. I won't try to escape. I haven't the will to run away. He would only come after me…only taunt me and use me the way he knows how. I'm trapped in my own web without repentance.

I am Abyssinian, and I am Weiß, the white cross of the blackened night. My lover is death itself, with his sandalwood, cigarette-menthol scent and his sarcastic snaps. My life is hell because I choose to live it that way, and right now, I'm cradled against that reaper's bony chest, listening to the beat of his cold, unsympathetic heart.

It's calm and slow, the opposite of what it had been about an hour ago when...when we'd coupled. I can't bring myself to think of it as sex, and it's definitely not what I'd thought making love would be like, but...but when he's inside me...

I want to hold him closer, pull him deeper...

It's complicated.

I sigh and shift a little closer, knowing my phantasm of pleasure and heartbreak will be leaving soon. He never stays, and this is one of those rare times he hasn't disappeared after an encounter. I've finally familiarzied myself with his routine. After a month of this, it wasn't so hard. Every night he slips into my window and waits until I'm finished at the Koneko no Sumu Ie or have completed what missions Kritiker deems worthy of Weiß's skill, but every night…

Every night isn't about the passionate games he likes to play.

Sometimes, we talk. It's still weird, but I find I enjoy it the more it happens. I've learned a lot about him and Schwarz, about what it's like to be _them_. Nagi is just like Omi, struggling to finish school on top of being an assassin, but Crawford and the Irish one, Farfarello, are a little harder to understand. My lover despises the American to the point of boderline obsessive compulsive hate, and the other, I've been told, isn't as stupid as he appears. He just doesn't like talking.

Schwarz also likes pizza. I can't even remember when I became aware of this. It was one of those random things, I sppose, and afterwards…

I can feel my face heat up, and I press my cheek against the pectoral cushioning my head. I always act so guilty when I think what we've done, what I've allowed to take place.

Guilty…

Guilty like his name.

Schuldig.

_Not so loud, babe. I can hear everything you've thought about for the past hour._

I blink at the sultry voice in my head and pull away to look at him. He's staring at me with one, partially open eye. I can tell he's tired.

_Not tired…just pissed I have to leave_. He stretches, and I admire the role of silky muscle as he moves, wanting to touch him once, of my own accord, but…I don't. I'm too afraid, and I still don't know what this means.

Everything has a meaning, but this…this _thing_ doesn't mean anything.

_You're such a poet, Ran_.

I send a mental scowl at him and lock away my thoughts.

Shieldshieldshieldshieldshield.

Have to…

"Oww. You didn't have to throw me out like that. It hurts," he complains, pouting slightly.

I won't give…

"You're such a baby."

In.

I'm such a terrible failure at this.

_I know_, there's a grin…an adorably irresitable grin, _I love to tease you._

Yeah, I know.

I ignore him and roll over, leaving him with the view of my back, and he's instantly pressed up against me, his thigh looping over mine.

"Mmm, Ran. I love it when you're so submissive-like," he purrs, thrusting his hips until I can feel something poking at me. Inwardly, I groan.

This was the only thing I disliked about this.

He was always so…

_So what? Come on and tell me because I want to know_.

Shieldshieldshieldshieldshield.

_That's not going to work this time, sweetheart_.

BIGBIGBIGBIGBIGSHIELD!

I sense him jerk, and before I know what's happening, he has me pinned flat, that long mane of hair curtaining his face. He gazes at me for a lengthy couple of minutes, and then captures my mouth with his own, merciless with his tongue. It's hot, sliding between my lips and across my teeth, and I'm suddenly burning up inside. Before this, I would have never surrendered. Before this…

I hadn't realized the fascination of it all.

Schuldig is nudging my thighs apart with his knee, trying to separate my legs, and I comply easily, knowing that after everything's said and done, I'll still be the same. I'll still be Aya. I'll still be me.

For better or worse…

Nothing could be as terrible and lovely as this.

Nothing.

_You're so pessimistic_, he whispers in my head even as he guides himself into me. The jolting throb of familiarity sends a rush of panic-y pleasure up my spine, and I moan, ignoring the drifting mental words. It doesn't matter, anyway. Pessimistic. Cold. A bastard. They all describe who I am, and this only justifies them even more.

I'm pessimistic because I refuse to admit I'm wrong, that this is wrong. Cold because I don't care. A bastard…

Fuck!

There's a choked laugh as he withdraws his mouth from around my nipple, the flesh there stinging.

He bit me…

I try to scowl again, but it's tossed away when he drives forward with his pelvis, leaving my mind blank. Completely and utterly blank.

_Stop denying yourself, Ran-chan. You want it, you don't. Just figure it out and quit-_

He is silent for a moment, the moment in which he orgasms, and I bite my lip to keep from screaming, my body reacting with his. This silence is also part of the dark, dirty secret. I never say a word, and so far, neither has he. We keep it locked away, hidden deep inside like an abominable, forbidden tryst that isn't mean to exist. He knows it, and I know it.

But…I know it more than either of us.

If he hadn't seduced me…

"Now, now, honey. Whom seduced whom?" I don't even realize he's off me and dressing until I hear the rustling of clothing. I raise up on my elbows, my skin missing his warmth.

I'd once liked being alone, but not since him, not since…this.

"Y-you're leaving?" I want to die the moment those words leave my mouth. I'm stupid.

Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupid.

_Ja. Don't be so hard on yourself, and…come here._

I hesitate, but only for a brief second in which I think…

Of everything, I hate this the most…saying goodbye.

And, it doesn't matter that I'm naked, either. It doesn't bother me as it once had, and when he wraps me in his embrace, my thoughts vanish, my body surrenders eagerly. There's just something too irresitable about his lustrous orange-red hair and saucy voice that keeps me chained to him.

Chained to him like the bad thing I am.

Long, cool fingers grab my chin, and I look at him. He's only a little taller…

Only a little.

_Don't look so sad, my Ran-chan_, he whispers quietly in my head as he nuzzles my throat. His breath is sticky sweet, and I tilt my neck to the side, wanting and needing more contact, more reality to prove that this isn't a figment of my imagination and will not go away.

"Mmmm…" My voice is too mellow and quiet. I sound like a purring cat, I realize.

Ironic.

"You're my kitten, ne, Ran? Mine?" That Japanese tone of his is smooth, deep, and a chill sweeps my skin. I can only nod as he pulls away, leaving me as lonely as before, and I watch him slip out my window, something inside me longing to go with him.

_You're my kitten, ne, Ran? Mine?_ His words echo…and stick.

Yes, yours.

Yes…

And, I don't know why.

* * *

He's decided to try his hand at cooking tonight, and I'm surprised he hasn't burned the Koneko down…or gotten caught. Of course, Yohji and Ken have gone out, and Omi's spending time with a classmate to help them study. 

So, we're alone.

I'm alone with a crazed telepath holding a pan in one hand and a knife in the other.

Wonderful.

"What'll it be, lover-mine?" He smirks, waving the sharp object at me. "Something Japanese? Or German, maybe?"

"I…really don't-" I stop and sigh heavily, sitting lopesidedly in one of the chairs surrounding the table in the kitchen. It's quiet. There are no sounds of arguments between my teammates, no screaming, swooning girls. It's just us…and my thoughts, which aren't as closely guarded as I would like them to be.

This is one of those surreal moments.

"Oh, come on. It is not." He slams the pan down on the small stove and throws the knife in the sink. "You don't want me to? Fine." He seems…hurt.

But, that's impossible. He's as solid as a rock and just as impenitrable.

Yet…

_I'm not heartless, Ran_. He snorts at his own comment. _Almost…_

I bite my lip. I want to ask…

I want to.

"Then…why are you doing this?" And, I want to die immediately because the look on his face jabs a spike into my heart. Now I _know_ he's hurt.

"You don't like it, Ran?" he replies, running a slightly trembling hand through that hair I so love to touch. His arms are crossed and his shoulders slumped. I can practically feel the animosity radiating from him, and it doesn't help that his telepathy is raking across my brain. "I know you do…"

"But-" Then, I'm speechless again. I'm always tongue-tied around him, and it's annoying.

"What? Nothing to say?" He's walking toward me, his gait slow, his atrocious green jacket swaying around his lanky frame as he moves, and I swallow. This is bad.

Badbadbadbadbad.

_You've got that right, sweetheart. Don't you know it's not a good thing to piss off a telepath?_

He's kneeling, an arm resting on the backside of my chair and the table. I'm trapped.

His face is unbearably close, and I can see the turquoise bursts in his eyes.

Dangerous…

"I-" He puts a finger to my mouth. He's staring…and staring and staring. I bite my lip, completely nervous. I don't know what he has in mind, and I'm…scared.

"You choose now to speak?" He clicks his tongue at me. "Your timing is awful." Suddenly, he replaces his finger with his mouth, plunging inside with that skilled, sarcastic tongue, and my hands, previously laying loose in my lap, are clenching at my pants...tighter and tighter.

He's making me want him more and more, and...

No.

No, but...

Yes.

"Yes." The word is swallowed by my lover as he continues to consume me, his fingers playing at my shirt, teasing at the waistband of...

He's pulling away and dragging me with him, greedily tugging me close, holding me so tightly that I can't breathe, and all comprehension is gone. I'm lost, completely and undeniably lost...in him. He smells like the cheap cigarettes Yohji buys sometimes, but he tastes of him, of Schuldig. My arms are looping around his neck, my hips falling into synch with his own, and we're swaying softly back and forth to an imaginary song, his lips still kissing me. I think I moan, but I'm not conscious of the sounds...just the feel of this.

I'm at peace when we're wrapped around each other. No terrible memories. Nothing. Damnation awaits me somewhere down the line, ready to burn my soul and misgivings in a purgatory labeled with my name, but for now, this is enough to appease those wishing to torment me. This is enough...except for him.

He continues to rock us to that music in his head, a tune I somehow know, fingers slipping down my back to rest lightly on my butt, and before I know it, he has me dancing with him. Dancing in the tiny kitchen of a tiny flower shop in Japan.

How ridiculous and…romantic at the same time.

There's no denying that I've wanted this, the feeling of being wanted _and_ desired, even if it comes from someone I've sworn to hate, to despise for the rest of my life, and…and…

_I love you._

Instantly, he freezes. Instantly, his warmth evaporates as he takes a step back. Instantly, I shrink inside myself, knowing that I am a fool for _ever_ thinking **that**.

Love?

What did I know of love?

Love is swearing revenge for the murder of my parents. Love is…

Love is hiding behind an ice-cold mask, pretending to be something I'm not.

Love is nothing.

And, I'm nothing for thinking it. How could I love Schwarz, love Schuldig, a man who plays tricks and breaks hearts?

Breaks my heart…

I risk a glance and find him pacing, hands gripping at his hair as he mumbles. I don't have to be a telepath to know what he's thinking. He's regretting that he'd ever watched me. He's regretting that he'd ever…coupled with me that first time on my apartment floor.

God, if you even exist, why do you hate me?

Why do you hate Ran Fujimiya when the one you're supposed to hate is what he became? Aya…

"Ran." His voice is soft, quiet…quieter than I've ever heard it, even after… "Ran, you've-"

I close my eyes again. I know what he's going to say. I do.

You are a damned fool, Ran Fujimiya. A huge, damned fool. And, far too trusting…gullible.

_That's not what I was going to say_, he mentally whispers, forcing me to gaze upon him once again. He appears fragile and delicate, like he's the one that's going to break…and not me.

"I…I'm sorry," I managed to stammer out, utterly red in the face, completely shamed. "I didn't mean to...I forgot…" I turn away this time because I can't stand there facing him like…_that_.

_Ran_…

He's behind me. I can feel the presence that is Schuldig of Schwarz penetrating my personal space, and instinctively, I lean into it, having grown too familiar with him, with…us.

I like it. I do. And, I still can't figure out why. We clash, our personalities are so different, and yet, we're…the same.

I don't understand any of this. None of it. Nothing.

"Neither do I," he admits, hot breath tingling my ear. "Neither do I. You know…" He trails off, chewing thoughtfully on his words, almost carefully, and I turn into his chest, breathing him as I try not to cry.

I've messed up. Messed up completely.

I couldn't avenge my family.

I _still_ can't talk to my sister.

I've made the one person who gives me a sense of belonging hate me.

I'm such a failure. Ran "The Failure" Fujimiya. That thought alone nearly brings me to tears, but…it doesn't. I've trained myself to look stronger, appear unbreakable on the outside except…except I'm actually weak and shattered to pieces on the inside. I'm so good at causing myself to believe repeatedly overdone lies.

Stupid, stupid me.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this. You weren't supposed to…um…" He remains insecure of all the things he's obviously planned to say, and I look at him, aware that my eyes are clouded with tears. I don't want to cry. I don't…

His hand, so warm and real, presses to my cheeks, fingers tenderly pushing into my skin. I lean into it, wanting something secure and solid, something only _he_ can give me.

Please…

_You weren't supposed to love me, Ran_, his sorrowful thoughts say, echoing in my brain, hurting like a knife to my chest. _You can't. I'm such a-_

The sound of a car purring to a stop and choked laughter cuts him off. I hear familiar voices from outside, loud, obnoxious voices, and suddenly, I want to scream. No! Not now! Now when…

Schuldig's frantic movements draw me back to where I am, and it takes me a second to comprehend what he's doing. He's tring to _hide_. The front of the shop is locked down and the back door…

They grow closer, and I hear Yohji telling Ken some horrible joke about a pickle and a sailor before I am dragged backwards, through a door, and into the dark. My lover is glued to my backside, his breathing slowing as he calms it, and I accidentally wiggle around as I try to get the thing jabbing me off my leg. His grip instinctively tightens.

Where-

_Pantry_, he answers immediately, resting his face against my hair. I can feel his breath…

_You couldn't have gone upstairs?_ I hear him laugh mentally, but it's still quiet.

_Forgot_, he replies, his chuckle still resonating in my ears. I have forgotten how much I like the sound of it. _Do you? Do you really?_

He's…happy?

Happy because we're…locked in a cramped pantry, hiding from my companions, who have just entered the kitchen door and are sitting at the table?

_No_, he breathes, nuzzling my neck even as I wiggle again to escape the incessant poking of something -a broom handle- in my thigh, and he kisses the skin right below my ear, making me moan. _You like my laugh_…

Oh.

Oh, yeah…

It's so easy to forget when he's…

His fingers are skimming down my belly, reaching for the zipper, and I gasp.

_N-not here_…

"Why not?" he questions softly, licking at the bared part of my shoulder before nibbling on it, and I grind into him, biting my lip, trying to stay quiet.

How can he take advantage of me so easily?

How…

_Because you let me_, he replies, now sucking at my skin. His hand is doing wonderous, torturous things to the lower half of my body, and I'm literally stuck between a rock and a hard place…so to speak. I could burst out of the pantry, forcing Ken and Yohji to help me…help me escape, hide, anything. I could jump out and confess everything, be free of this pleasurable torment, but…

But, I can't.

I'm bound to him.

Bound…

Bound to him by me own _free_ will.

I twist my head backwards, lifting my arms up to grab at his hair and force his mouth to mine, wanting his tongue to play between my lips, and he ravages me, faster and…

Oh, God.

_S-Schu_-

_I told you…you** like** this…_

There's no denying it anymore. I do like this. No…

I love this, and I've known it _all_ along. I want to be dominated. I need to be…

He reaches into my pants, past underwear, and grips my hardened flesh, rubbing slowly. My hips jerk, and I try to maneuver so I can touch him, but I feel him shake his head as he continues to pump with his fingers, stroking ever so delicately.

Why?

Doesn't he want-

_For you, Ran-chan. I'm not completely selfish…_ He suppresses a mental moan when I arch into his grasp, shuddering uncontrollably. It's hot and cold at the same time, sending chills down my spine. I can't even really comprehend anything anymore, though Yohji's and Ken's conversation is somewhat understandable. I think they're talking about m-me…

I get him to kiss me again, holding tightly to his pretty, pretty hair as his lips meld with mine, and I rock my hips, purposely gyrating into his pelvis. I want him to enjoy this, too…

_I am_, he says, his voice somewhat shaky. _I can feel what-_

His breath hitches when I try to breathe, and…and…

I orgasm, bright stars blinding my vision, teeth gouging a hole into my lip as I bite it to keep silent, and Schuldig is squeezing me to him, unbelievably tight…

I want to scream.

I want…

I want…

I slump against him, momentarily ignorant of the fact that I'm sticky and so is he and so is the door, sucking in air as quietly as I can. His condition isn't much better, and I can feel his excitement against my back.

I want…to please him, too.

I managed to turn so that I'm looking at him…sort of. It's still dark, and I can barely see him, but I don't need to _see_ his face to…

_No, Ran…don't._

But… 

"It's okay," he murmurs, brushing my cheek with slightly trembling fingers. "I'm fine."

"But-"

"Oi, you hear something, Ken?" Yohji's words are slightly slurred, but he's still coherent, and I freeze. We're going to get caught. I just know it.

This is…awful.

_Don't worry,_ my German lover hisses in my thoughts, nipping my ear in a reassuring bite. _They're both too drunk to think of looking in here._

_Both of them? Ken, too!_

"Mmhm."

"But-" I cut myself off and try to figure out what's going on.

Omi's still gone.

Ken and Yohji are _both_ drunk.

_Trashed, sweetheart. They're wasted._

I ignore him.

And, I'm hiding in a pantry with my lover, the "enemy." If anyone finds out…

_**Stop** worrying. They won't. Watch._

He grabs me by the hand, and like that, he drags me out of the tiny space, his telepathy somehow concealing us as he leads me out of the kitchen and up the steps. It doesn't even occur to me that I'm a mess, but no one seems to care except me. My hair's been ransacked, my pants are still open, and the presence of Schuldig's teeth on my skin is still evident.

Eventually, I give up and allow him to tug me along, easily finding his way to the door of my apartment with expertise.

I try to think, but I can't. Instead, all I hear are Ken's drunken words echoing in my head, the ones he spoke before I was hauled away, my heart hurting.

"I think something's wrong with Aya…" 

Something wrong…with me?

I glance at Schuldig's lanky form as he fights to get my apartment door open with one hand -it always did have the tendency to stick- and I want to sigh.

Yes.

There's definitely something wrong with me, and I think I've figured out what it is.

Maybe…

* * *

I wake up with a silent scream on my lips, sweating profusely and gasping for air. A nightmare. Terrible… 

I shudder and wrap my arms around myself, attempting to harness reality and stay sane. That idea is immediately tossed out the window when my eyes scan the room and notice _him_ sleeping…in a chair. Then, thoughts rush back to me.

The failed dinner…

The dancing…

Ken…

Yohji…

The PANTRY…

Schuldig…

A shiver races through me, and I blink my vision into focus, almost lost. What time is it? Shouldn't he be…gone? What-

My lover abruptly mumbles something incoherent, and I fight off the mangled sheets to get to him. He's no more than a couple steps away. He's…dreaming, but it doesn't look pleasant. A bead of sweat clings to his brow, some of his hair is matted, and I brush at it, trying to understand.

I'm supposed to be Abyssinian, leader of Weiß, a hunter of the night, and I'm supposed to be Aya Fujimiya, a man with a hidden, shameful past. Yet, I'm not. I'm merely Ran, the confused and seduced. My lover is as tormented as I am, and as I lay a reassuring hand to his cheek, it evaporates, cooling slowly, mending. I find it hard to believe I have changed this much so quickly, but it's happened. I find it hard to believe I'm entangled with my lover to the point that it doesn't matter what terrible things he's done. But…that, too, has happened.

Something slides down my face, warm, almost comforting, and I don't have to feel it with my fingers to know.

Tears.

But…I'm not sad.

I'm…

I gaze at Schuldig's now somewhat peaceful features, and when I notice a small smile pulling at his lips, I can't help returning it.

I don't have this figured out, not completely, but I think…

Maybe I _could_ be happy.

Schuldig mutters again, and the grin widens.

I suppose it doesn't seem that hard after all.

Not really.

END


End file.
